Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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