Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you win again, gameday.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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