The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
