Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
