Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
