I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
