I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
