and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
