I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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