I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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