Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
