when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
