hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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