my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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