Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
