Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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