I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
