dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude i'm inner monologue high
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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