did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
