I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
