I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
