im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
