so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
false alarm, still single
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