you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i drank out of a bidet.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
