After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
