She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
