i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
