I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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