i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
