I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
