John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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