So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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