i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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