My room smells like vodka and shame
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
