i just wanna soil my oats bro
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
