It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
