you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
