I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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