Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
