Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
