theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
