I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
