please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
