I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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