Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
