I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
