my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
