I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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