my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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