I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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