Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there was a trapeze. enough said
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
